I'm Lost Without You
by lda-cullen
Summary: Sasha leaving The Rock doesn't just rip Payson's heart out, it rips Sasha's out to.


**Disclaimer: I own nothing of the show or the characters. I'm just writing what I wish would happen. All characters belong to ABC Family and the creators of Make It or Break It. **

**AN: I've never done a song fic before, but when I heard this song I thought of Payson and Sasha. The song fits them well after what happened in the mid-season gut wrenching finale. Read and Review! Any review is welcomed. Oh yes before I forget the song is Lost Without You by Delta Goodman. **

_I know I can be a little stubborn sometimes (I say)  
A little righteous and too proud  
I just wanna find a way to compromise  
Cause I believe we can work things out _

As I drive away from Boulder, away from The Rock, and painfully away from _her, _I can't help, but think that this is the only way to fix this bad situation. If I leave, than I'm taking away the bad part of the equation. If it wasn't for me and my deep rooted and buried feelings, then we wouldn't be in this predicament; she wouldn't have to face the humiliation of everyone knowing what happened between us even if it was, as her mother so eloquently put it, 'an innocent crush' or a 'mistake on Payson's part'. We both know that's not true. At least I know it's not true. Payson and her mother on the other hand probably think that it was a mistake and that nothing would come of it except for maybe a few awkward moments. As I drive through the darkness I can't help but think that maybe if I would have stayed in Boulder with _her_, something could have happened, would have happened, even if it shouldn't have happened.__

I thought that I had all the answers  
never givin in  
but baby since you've gone  
I admit I was wrong 

Over the last few days I've been driving back to Cambria I've felt like I've been running. From what I don't know, at least that's what I tell myself as I get deeper into the wilderness of California. I know I'm running and I know I'm hiding. I can't bring myself to go back. Back to The Rock or back to_ her_. I don't want to see the gym and have everyone ridicule and accuse me. If they are ridiculing me then they are also ridiculing _her. _I'd do anything to protect her from everything that could hurt her, including me; no matter how much I may love her. I know I can't fix this situation over night, but hopefully with time, everyone will forget she kissed me. Everyone will forget that picture that Beals had of us. Even as I think that, I know deep down, that I'm wrong. Everyone won't forget Payson and I kissed, because no matter how hard I try, how hard I say I didn't want that kiss, or how hard I'll pretend I don't love her, I know I'm wrong. I'm wrong because I do want to remember, I did want that kiss, and I most certainly do love her. So yes, I am wrong. __

All I know is I'm lost without you  
I'm not gonna lie  
how am I gonna be strong without you  
I need you by my side  
if we ever say we'd never be together  
in the end you wave goodbye  
dunno what I'd do  
im lost without you  
I keep trying to find my way  
and all I know is im lost without you  
I keep trying to face the day  
I'm lost without you 

As I pull into my driveway in Cambria, I can't help, but feel a small since of familiarity. Even if it's really small, I feel somewhat better at finally being home. The last time I was here in this house, I was an arrogant egotistical bitter person who hated gymnastics. At least that's who I was until I met Payson. I cringe as thoughts go to her. Again. I can't even go five seconds without thinking about her. I make my way into the bedroom as I drag my suitcases behind me. I have pictures from the trailer that I'll grab later. As I stare at the emptiness around me I can't help but feel lost and alone. I breathe in as I realize I need her by my side. I have no idea how I'm going to face the days ahead without her. Over these past few months I've become so accustomed to seeing Payson and being with her that I forgot what it's like to be without her. I know I'm going to have to be without her. As much as it tares my hearts into unfix-able pieces, I know I'm going to have to deal with this ache. The ache I shouldn't even have. As I close my eyes her face flashes before my eyes. It's her image I see as I fall into a fitful sleep. __

How am I ever gonna get rid of these blurs  
baby I'm so lonely all the time  
everywhere I go I get so confused  
your the only thing thats on my mind 

He's been gone for seven days. Those seven days are equivalent to one hundred and sixty-eight hours. That measures up the longest, hardest week of my life. Since he left without even a goodbye I've had to deal with becoming a member of the world team, becoming the gymnast he knew I could become; and being without him. I like to think I know why he left. I know the lie he told everyone. He was protecting me when he lied. He told everyone he was leaving because his presence wasn't good for The Rock or the girls. Everyone believed him. Everyone, but me. I know he left because of me. Because of what I did. I just had to go and kiss him. I ruined everything we had in that moment. He was my coach yes, but he was more than that. Sasha was also my friend. I could talk to him about anything and everything. Looking back in that moment, I know that what I felt and still feel for him is real. I think of him all the time. I can't get him out of my head. My whole body aches for him. Not just physically, but emotionally as well. I miss him. Plain and simple. The fact that I miss him like this confuses me...scares me. I've never fallen in love with anyone before. Until now. __

On my bed so cold at night  
I miss you more each day  
only you can make it right  
no I'm not too proud to say  


After practice, I come up here to my room to shut off everything. It doesn't really work most nights because my mind goes straight to Sasha. I can still see his face when he pulled away from me that night. He was shocked, upset, nervous, and even sad. I'm confused about the last emotion, but there's nothing I can do about that now. The scene plays over in my head multiple times a day. It doesn't get any easier. It's been a little over a week since he left. I miss him more with each passing day. Most days when I'm at the gym, I feel like I can't breath. I can't concentrate properly. It doesn't help that Lauren is running around like the bitch she is. She's partly to blame for all of this. I would do anything to see him walk through that gym again. I would even take myself off the World's Team if it meant that he would come back. It all means nothing without him here with me. I look at the picture I have of him and hold on to it for dear life because that's probably the closest thing I'm going to get to holding him ever again. __

All I know is I'm lost without you  
I'm not gonna lie  
how am I gonna be strong without you  
I need you by my side  
if we ever say we'd never be together  
in the end you wave goodbye  
dunno what I'd do  
I'm lost without you  
I keep trying to find my way  
and all I know is I'm lost without you  
I keep trying to face the day  
I'm lost without you  


I glance at the clock and make the most impulsive impromptu decisions of my life. I have to find him and at least talk to him. I know where he is, I'll just drive to California myself and find his cabin. He's mentioned it a couple of times. I just hope I'm doing the right thing. As I quickly and quietly pack my bag I glance at the picture I have of him and I know deep down I'm doing the right thing. I can't stand the thought of being without him any longer. I need him to be with me just like he promised he would. Even if I can't be his friend anymore, I still need him as my coach. I'd rather have him in my life as my coach than not have him in my life at all. Besides, the coach Steve Tanner has with us now, is an ass. He has no idea what he's doing. So I leave a letter for my parents and I go into the garage and leave Boulder, Colorado behind. I'm going towards my destiny at full speed. __

If I could only hold you now  
make the pain just go away  
can't stop the tears from running down my face (ho) 

I wake up for the ninth day in a row gasping. I can't seem to get rid of the sad broken image of her face as I push her away. I just wish that I wouldn't have pushed her away. I would do anything if I could see her again, hug her again, just so I could hold her in my arms. I know it's just wishful thinking on my part. I know that if I want to see her again, I'll have to watch the Olympics. I do that willingly if I could see her again. The last nine days without her has been the darkest ones of my life. I thought it was bad when MJ and I split up. Man how wrong I was. Nothing compares to losing Payson. Nothing. As I go into the kitchen I hear a noise on the front porch. I sigh thinking of the last time someone was here; it was Steve Tanner. The worst company anyone could ask for. As I make my way into the living room, someone knocks on the door. The knocks are soft, timid, and feminine. My heart leaps at the small, but hope filled possibility that it could be her. I go to the door and swing it open to reveal the image from my dreams. __

All I know is I'm lost without you  
I'm not gonna lie  
how am I gonna be strong without you  
I need you by my side  
if we ever say we'd never be together  
in the end you wave goodbye  
dunno what I'd do  
I'm lost without you  
I keep trying to find my way  
and all I know is im lost without you  
I keep trying to face the day  
an all I know is  
I'm lost without your love  
I keep trying to find my way  
and all I know is  
I'm lost without you (ho)  
I'm lost without you 

After many hours of confusion, tiredness, and driving I finally reach Cambria. I finally reach Sasha. As I pull into the drive way my head starts to spin. I'm really here and I'm really doing this. This seemed like the perfect idea many hours ago and many miles away. I pull my car to a stop and get out to step on fresh green grass. I walk up to the door and knock hesitantly. I'm hoping I have the right place because if I don't then I am so screwed. After only a few seconds the door swings open revealing the man I've traveled many hours to see. Without really thinking of what I'm doing I launch myself in his strong arms. I sigh in relief as his arms enclose my body in his protective embrace. I feel his body relax against my own as we both finally find ourselves. I'm finally home in his arms. He murmurs my name and gently kisses my temple. My breath hitches because he's never done that before. He's always given me hugs, but never a kiss. He invites me in as I pull away. I grab his hand hesitantly, but he looks down and smiles while lacing his fingers through mine.


End file.
